Mountains and Trees

I grew up in Grantsville.  My family has lived in this little town for four generations.  I like to joke that my "people" sacrificed everything to walk across the United States to Utah and now I live in Virginia.

We are coming up on our second anniversary this summer.  That's not completely accurate because out of the last five years, we've spent four of them living in VA.  I guess that I've noticed a shift lately, and especially on our last trip out at the end of March.  Utah doesn't really feel like home anymore.  All those years that I lived away, I always considered my home to be Utah.  My family was there, my best friend, all of my favorite places to shop, a common culture....it was all there but I've felt a shift.  We are settled here in our life and our home.  It's a good feeling to not feel quite so torn between the two places. 

Back in February, my parents announced that they would be taking a job in Chicago.  This doesn't seem like groundbreaking news.  People move all the time, I just read of a good friend here today who was moving.  But, you see, my parents have lived in Grantsville for nearly 60 years.  In my childhood, we lived in two houses, around the block from each other.  You can see how a move to Chicago would be big news. 

I'm excited for them to go, everyone should have some big adventures in their life.  Knowing that this move was imminent certainly changed the trip for me.  People move on, lives change but there was so much about my "Utah life" that didn't really change much.  Yet, now even my most stable anchors are venturing out for something new.  It all has made me realize how much I've changed and all I've experienced as I've moved.

While I was out visiting, I couldn't get enough of the mountain views.  The sweeping landscape is the complete opposite of our home here.  The vast landscapes with no people that stretched as far as I could see were majestic.  There really aren't big wide open spaces like that here.  I think I forgot how open it could be, how big the sky was.  This probably sounds silly but it was like seeing my life, each part so starkly different from the other.  Each has their beauties and their flaws, as does everything in life.  

 

Eleanor and Fear

It's been two weeks of swim lessons around here.  We have been watching Leo learn the fine art of bobbing in water and blowing water bubbles.  There was a distinct shift about the third day of class when it all got a little more serious.  It was time for the kids to put their faces in the water.  There have been scared little faces and tears almost every day since.  Leo doesn't really cry, he just doesn't do it.

I really can't blame him, I am not a water person.  I have never loved putting my face in the water, it's always been a bit of a fear for me. 


All these mornings of watching fear in action have me thinking about fear and what it means to face those fears.  I've been reading a book lately all about fear, "My Year With Eleanor."  It's about a girl who embarks on a year of doing things that scare her based on Eleanor Roosevelt's advice to "do one thing every day that scares you."  While I thought the book was so so, the author's voice was not my favorite, I did really enjoy learning more about Eleanor.  She was truly one who faced her fears and moved forward.

I try to push myself to do things that scare me but sometimes I don't.  I fall into ruts just like everybody else but I know that I'm happier when I'm pushing myself outside my comfort zone.  I meet new people, I go new places and embark on projects that I never would have if I'd let my fear stop me. 

I thought about so many of the things I've done in my life that have utterly scared me and I have almost always come out on the other side so thankful that I'd done it.  Back when I was in high school, I got it in my mind that I wanted to be a state officer for a club.  I remember filling out the application and then making preparations for the speeches and interviews I would have to undergo to be selected.  The night before it was all set to happen, I was so terrified and told my mom that I didn't want to do it.  The next morning, I went and I faced it.  The whole experience turned into a life changing experience for me.  I met people, traveled, presented and became a completely different person.  It gave me so much confidence and self assurance that carried me into my college years and shaped me into the person I am today.  

In the words of Eleanor, "The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it you find you are freer than you were before....You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face."

"A great deal of fear is a result of just "not knowing."  We do not know what is involved in a new situation.  We do not know whether we can deal with it.  The sooner we learn what it entails, the sooner we can dissolve our fear."  This thought is so true for me.  When I finally dig in and get details, it all becomes a little less scary but it often takes a while for me to get in there.

I want to be afraid sometimes, I want to face that fear and do things I never thought possible.  "The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear, for newer and richer experience."

Expectations

Picking strawberries

Last weekend, I went to a glass society meeting.  The Firebirds meet quarterly to talk glass, share what they've been up to and to show their latest work.  It's usually such an inspiration to see what people have been working on but this last Saturday I just felt a little off.  It was a combination of frustration and some sadness too.  It's hard to watch people who started doing glass after me surpass what I'm doing.  It's hard to hear about the gatherings and classes people are attending and the really cool things they are learning.  I want to be learning and growing in these major ways too.  

Sometimes life is frustrating.  I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and maybe a little frustrated too that I can't seem to get anything done.

I was reading in my scriptures and found this thought in the Bible Dictionary under Ezra, "There is eternal significance in everyday life."  There has to be a reason why we do all of the mundane everyday tasks. 

I am nurturing people. 

It's an all consuming and overwhelming job.  Two little people rely on me for everything.  I am creating their world, cooking their meals, sorting their clothes.  I may not be getting anything done in glass but I am getting everything done for them.

 

The Good

I thrive as a college student.  It's my element.  I like the deadlines, the hard work and completing tasks.  I like to look back on how I've progressed and the concrete work I've completed.  And I like to hear the feedback on my work. 

Well, regular life just isn't like that.  There are no grades given out, no real conclusions on things, you just keep moving forward.  My work is tending to a home that needs to continually be cleaned and nurturing our family, a continuous job forever.  It's day in (and night too) and day out exhausting hard work.  It's doing the same things over and over and turning around to see that that the milk has spilled all over the floor.  There really isn't anyone to pat me on the back and tell me if I'm doing a good job or not. 

I've spent much of the last week thinking about goals and about what I'd like to see in the future.  I kind of feel swamped with so many things I want to do but never actually being able to do them.  There's a list a mile long that I never get it done (who am I kidding, there's no list anymore, I have no expectation that it could ever get done).  I'm always thinking of what I'm not doing, or comparing myself to other moms or thinking what I should be doing (you know, like exercise). 

As I was doing this, the thought occurred to me, I need to look at what I've done.  Ah ha moment right there.

I need to take a small moment and see all the good that's happened here.  Most of it is quiet, unmeasured things that have been done over and over.  When I thought about it, there were so many good things that I had accomplished.

Now, I'm not writing this to pat myself on the back and say, "look at me."  I'm saying that I spend so much of my life being frustrated by what is left undone and all those things I'd like to do that I miss what I've done.  I mean, those chicken lettuce wraps at dinner last night were the best I have ever made!  Or what about the great book I found for Leo that he's been loving. What about the new toy organization, man that has made my life so much easier!

As the mom, there really isn't anybody to come in and say, "you've done good work here," except for me.  And you know, I need to hear it and think it.  So now, I'm taking a minute.  Maybe you should join me, what good have you done?

Amy's birthday way that makes me smile every time I walk past it.

That time that instead of pulling her off the fireplace, I waited to see how she would figure out how to get off of it.  And she did and was so proud.

Happiness and Magic

I was just in Leo's room trying to help him settle for the night.  It's 11:00 and I swear he's been out of bed about 10 times.  I went in to talk to him and help him calm down and instead of being frustrated (like I have been for many weeks), I got telling stories.  Story telling is something that was a huge part of my family culture.  We connect by sitting around and telling stories.  I told Leo about our Marbie cat (Leo's favorites are about my pets), and playing in the yellow playhouse.  We laughed and I told him stories from when he was a baby and I felt happy.  I remembered that being a mom is a happy thing. 

I think that I have lost it, you know,  the magic of mothering, heck the magic of life in general.  I guess I expected that it would come to this point, but secretly I never thought it would happen to me.    I would watch those moms at church or at the grocery story, the ones that looked perpetually stressed, worn out and had this hollow expression on their faces and feel sad for them.  I'm never going to be like that, I'd say, and now, I'm one of them.

This is real life.  This is dishes in the sink, nobody napping and me wanting to pull my hair out kind of real.  The past few months, ok, the past year, have been rough.  Two new jobs, 2 cross country moves, a full job hunt for Heber, a new baby, it's been survival mode for a long time.  Survival mode does not make anybody happy.

But I'm slowly coming back to remembering the joy.  On Sunday, I pulled out our huge train set (best consignment sale deal ever!) and I decided that we would set the whole thing up.  Leo and I spent hours putting it together and he's been playing with it for days.

The thing about happiness is that I chose to be happy, and believe me, this is one that I've learned over and over.  There is never going to be a perfect situation, there will always be people and places that I long for.  There is no house, no job, no friendship, no opportunity that is going to make me happy.  It's me.  No matter what, I have to choose to make my life happy and then do the things that make me happy.  Sounds simple but it's something I have to relearn a lot.

I guess I've got my work cut out.  Let's find the magic again.  Let's do the things that make me happy. 

Home

We just watched a documentary on the "tiny home" movement on Netflix called "Tiny."  It chronicles a man building a tiny home and interviewing people who have chosen to live that life.  I haven't really given much thought to tiny homes, and by tiny I mean less than 200 square feet, especially now that we have 2 kids and their stuff alone would fill at least 500 feet (I'm sure).

One of the main themes of the movie was about the concept of home.  Identifying home was always easy for me because I grew up in the same town for my entire life, up until college.  I know that is my home because that's where my roots are, my family, my history.

The question that haunts me though, is where will my children call home?  Can your home be a place you haven't lived in for more than 10 years?  Is home where you currently are, even if you've only been there a few months?  How about, home is where the people you love are.  But what if they are all over the country?  This idea of home quickly becomes complex and complicated.

The guy in the movie had been in a military family and so lived everywhere but his family always took trips out to the west during the summers.  He said that the deserts of the west made him feel at home.  I never had the experience of having to choose a place to be home, my always just was.

I thought that we would call Logan home.  We've lived here (on and off) for the better part of a decade but the time has come once again to move along and it feels permanent this time.  We are leaving Utah and don't forsee returning.  That is a bit scary because this is been my home for so long.

So I guess my definition of home will change.  Perhaps home will be where my husband is.  Or where I've worked to build a life and friends.  I'm not sure. 

What's your definition of home?

Healthcare

I am picky about healthcare.  I want a doctor who will take the time to listen to what I'm saying, who will explain their reasoning behind pursuing different options.  I want a doctor who isn't too busy or self important to really listen to what I'm saying.  Oh, and one that will check with my insurance company to assure that an unnecessary test is covered.

Is this too much to ask?  Perhaps.

I've had some bad luck with doctors in Virginia but I've learned to be a proactive patient.  Had I not learned this, Leo may have been born via c-section.

There was a span of a couple of years where I spent an average of 118 minutes a week waiting at a doctors office.  Twice a week I would go in to receive a shot for allergies.  Week after week, I was injected with the pure form of sagebrush (I grew up surrounded by sagebrush) and dust mites.

While this is not exactly how I would have preferred to spend my time, it was worth it to not have to deal with allergies anymore.  The positive side was that I was on a first name basis with everyone at the clinic.  All the doctors (not just my practitioner), nurses, CNA's, receptionists, even the people who worked at the pharmacy across the lobby.  I didn't even have to check in after a time, they just knew.

The care I received at that clinic was outstanding.   Now, I don't expect that I will ever get service like that again but it's hard to go back after that.  I have to admit that leaving that office was one of the hardest things about moving from Logan.  Finding a good doctor that fits your personality is difficult, but, it makes you really appreciate it when you find it.

Is healthcare on your mind too?

Unique Paths

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. School is out for the summer and I am just working part time at my job, although, I am taking a class and trying to get my portfolio organized. It has been so nice to have more time to work on all of my projects. You know I love my projects.

A few weeks ago, I went down to Women's Conference for one of the days. This year was particularly good for me. It's not often I get to spend a whole day with my mom and aunt just talking and laughing and being inspired. One of the talks particularly spoke to me. It was the closing talk of the day. She spoke about how we are each unique and the path we take in life or the way we return to Heavenly Father will not all be in a straight line.

This is something I have really been thinking about. My life is not a traditional Mormon wife life. I'm 26, Hebs and I have been married for almost 5 years, I don't have any children, after working for a few years, I returned to graduate school to pursue a degree that makes me happy, I work and I am a member of a performing Celtic dance team. It is so easy to look at the outside of my life and make judgments, to wonder why I live the way I do, and to question some of my decisions.

The speaker said that God has a unique plan for each of us. It may not look like the plan of the "norm" but that he will help to guide us to make the best decisions for us. If I've learned anything in my life, it's that there is a reason we have the experiences we do. It really opened my eyes to the need to respect the decisions of others. God has a plan for us and it's not all the same straight line. Even though there are these differences, we should still be drawing together to lift each other up.

So there's my thought for the day.