Expectations

Picking strawberries

Last weekend, I went to a glass society meeting.  The Firebirds meet quarterly to talk glass, share what they've been up to and to show their latest work.  It's usually such an inspiration to see what people have been working on but this last Saturday I just felt a little off.  It was a combination of frustration and some sadness too.  It's hard to watch people who started doing glass after me surpass what I'm doing.  It's hard to hear about the gatherings and classes people are attending and the really cool things they are learning.  I want to be learning and growing in these major ways too.  

Sometimes life is frustrating.  I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and maybe a little frustrated too that I can't seem to get anything done.

I was reading in my scriptures and found this thought in the Bible Dictionary under Ezra, "There is eternal significance in everyday life."  There has to be a reason why we do all of the mundane everyday tasks. 

I am nurturing people. 

It's an all consuming and overwhelming job.  Two little people rely on me for everything.  I am creating their world, cooking their meals, sorting their clothes.  I may not be getting anything done in glass but I am getting everything done for them.

 

First Dates and Ice Cream

We went out for ice cream last night.  By itself, it was not a momentus event but we went in celebration of our first date.  Twelve years ago, Heber and I went out on our first date to an Aggie Basketball game.  It may have been the only game we ever went to together.  We were on a double date and went back for ice cream and games after the game.

That time seems like an entirely different life ago, and it was.  There has always been something special about Heber.  Even from that first date (when I thought he wasn't interested in me after all but really he was), I knew that he would be important in my life.   I'm happy that some things don't change with time. 

It was such a hard day at home that we almost didn't go.  It was one of those days that I completely lost it (I hate those days).  I want to imagine that I am the perfect mom that can handle anything with endless patience and love but some days I am not and the magic of motherhood is lost.  We are in so many transitions right now with Leo giving up naps, a round of immunizations and teething that has caused our sweet baby to be so ornery and fussy.  And, I'm pretty sure this is about the 27th time this winter that we've been sick. 

Oh January, you get me every time.  Please end soon.

SAHM: Reflections

I was reading a listserv email that I couldn't believe this morning.  I'm on a few mom listservs - you know, we email around with questions or events.  Anyway, one of the moms was looking for a baby sitter to come to her home from 5:30 a.m. to 7:30 to get the baby ready and bring them to the regular day care facility at 7:30. 

Wow, that's rough.  I understand that there are situations where moms need to work outside the home, even those that want to work (there are days that I can really get that), but this was one that kind of broke my heart for her and her babe.  I'd never make a judgement because each person's situation is so unique, and what works for one wouldn't work for another.

I won't be a stay at home mom forever but I sure am glad that I can do it now.  It's a tough thing.  The days are long, the messes are many.  It's difficult to maintain a sense of self independent of motherhood.  But I wouldn't trade this time, those small moments dancing in the rain or reading stories together.

Oh, and a big shout out to Heber who makes it possible for me to be home.  He works so hard for us.

Mother's Day

It was Mother's Day this past weekend.  Where it was only my second Mother's Day, I can still remember what it was like before.  While I am grateful that Heb and I had several years before we embarked on parenthood, time to be together, to travel, to get our educations, to work. There is nothing I love more than being a mom to Leo.  

There are so many things that they don't tell you before you have a baby.  There's so much that you can't know unless you live it.  It's a hard transition.  There are new challenges everyday that have to be dealt with, mistakes that are made, and growth that happens (for both Leo and I).  There's no way to explain or even understand the magnitude of it all unless you've been a parent too.

I never expected it to be all this.  I never expected it to change me so completely. But I'm so grateful to be learning.

The Beach

When you become a parent, there are these moments that surprise you.  Moments where you feel like you are going to burst with joy.  (Ok, so there are the not so awesome moments too like cleaning up barf and wrestling a little guy who has escaped his diaper change.)

When those moments come, I want to record them, to remember them.  When we were at the beach, I had one of those moments.  As you know, Leo has mastered crawling.  He crawls everywhere and pretty much over any obstacle (even opening our back screen door last night, the stinker).

Kira and her girls (the friends we went with) and I were at the beach.  I must admit that I've never been much of a sand person.  I wasn't one of those warm beach people that lounge in the sand.  My loyalties always lied with the "cool, walk on the beach" kind of beaches.  I half expected Leo to be the same.

Oh boy.  He practically dived into the sand.  He would crawl, stop and examine something, crawl more, let sand drizzle from his hand and then wave his arms in a "this is the coolest thing ever" kind of way.  He didn't even eat that much.

Watching him so happy was the highlight for me.  He was just so curious and thoughtful.  Makes me think that's how I need to live.  Stop and see the seashell, celebrate new discoveries (who knew sand could be so much fun!).  Sit and bask in your surroundings.  And, of course, take a few moments to wave my arms and think "this is so awesome".

I may have crawled in the sand with him, which is saying something for this sand averse mama.  

The Face

Last night we got to skype with our cousins in Japan who had just had a new baby. I watched her hold her baby for the first time and it brought so many emotions up in me.  I watched her face, you know, the mother face that is so full of love.  The face that tells the story of all the waiting and hoping to be a mother and sweet joy that the baby had finally come.

It made me remember the first time I held little Leo, how tired I was, how completely spent but so in awe of this new little life that was my son.  It made me forget the hours and hours of labor and being exhausted to the point that I almost had no more to give.  Instead, I thought about his dark head of hair and plump cheeks.  How I was so relieved that I had done it, had survived the birth process and had a sweet little boy to be part of our family.

In all of the daily life, the diapers, the waking up in the night, sometimes I forget that feeling but it always seems to rush back when he falls asleep on my shoulder or when he looks around to find me.

I don't ever want to forget.

Being a Mother

It's my first real mothers day today.

I woke up this morning and listened to Heber play with Leo, and me heart just melted. Little Leo has brought so much joy into our lives. 

Being a mother is the most incredible thing in the world.  It's a lot of sleepless nights, spit up and poop but mixed in with all the not so fun are moments of pure happiness.  You sacrifice a lot to be a mother but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I want to be there to see all of the poopy diapers if it means that I get to watch them master rolling, try to sit up or laugh at my jokes.  I love him.  I love this.